How to deal with a mourning sustainably

Each of us has a different and unexpected reaction to the death of a loved one, either person or animal. You can happen to smile, or to cry in a desperate and incessant way, or even to remain impassive.

Each time, the pain takes possession of us and wraps us up in a different way. At first, it leaves us bewildered, stunned, and dejected. Then, we feel abandoned and forgotten. Then, regrets assail us for a further gesture of affection, which we would have wanted to make. Then, the anger and a sense of injustice assail us. Then, we want to vent somehow.

There are various things that we can do to deal with such a painful loss. To let the pain go out without harming ourselves and without throwing it on other people, animals or places. To take, both chronological and emotional, time to work out a death. To surround ourselves with people, who love us and understand us. To remove, even if only temporarily, those who can not understand us. To walk. To be in the sun. To cook something good for us. To take a break. To go for a walk alone, without a destination and without a commitment, with calm and serenity, letting us be guided by our intuition. To give us a gift. To cuddle ourselves. To take the “rescue remedy” of the Bach flowers. To write down thoughts and emotions. To put aside the everyday and personal belongings of the dear one, who left us. To keep photos and other objects linked to the most beautiful memories. To keep alive the memory of that person, or of that animal, with the people who loved him or her, sweetly and serenely. To create and to share new happy memories with those who have remained to be part of our life.

The death of a loved one can find us unprepared, arriving suddenly, or it can smolder during a long illness, or it may arrive at the end of a long life. In whatever way it happens, we are not prepared to face it. It is a profound shock, and an immense separation. It is a part of us, which we feel is going away. It is a moment of abandonment, that we can not manage. Nevertheless, it is our only certainty in this life and, instead of ignoring it, we should talk more about it and accept it.

The death of the most important person in my life found me completely unprepared. I have always thought that she had abandoned me, that I had been left alone, and I drowned in my pain. I just could not accept it. For years, for too many years. When I finally realized that she continues to be with me every day, although in a different form, I felt much, really much better. Several messages had arrived to me, but I had not understood them. Then, something enlightening happened. I went to visit some dear friends on the occasion of their wedding. A few days later, they organized a pleasant trip to a national park, just in an area that I did not know. While we were in the car, joking and laughing together, I felt choked by a desperate cry. I looked at the friends and saw that the conversation continued serenely. I put the attention to my body, thinking that it was an illness, but instead I was very well. I looked out of the car window, thinking that something serious had happened outside. Everything was normal: avenues, trees, walls, road, and sky. Then we arrived to a square and I recognized the place.

It was the pine forest near the lake where every Thursday morning there was the market. And we used to go there together, when we were there on vacation in the summer. Something of my loved one had remained in that place, where she had been happy. Where we had been happy together. I stopped crying suddenly. The very strong, also physical and widespread, pain vanished and an immense joy enveloped me. I think that my friends in the car have not noticed anything. Even today, in the summer, sometimes I like to wear that white “vintage” shirt that we bought together in that market. Just during these days, thirty-two years have elapsed since the most important person in my life died and I feel her closer than ever. I know that she did not abandon me and that she never thought of doing it, not even when she died.

So, if you want to meet your loved ones who died, look for them within yourselves and in the places where you have been happy together. They do not abandon us, and now they are and they will be part of us forever and will accompany us on our journey. They belong to our words, to our actions, to our thoughts, to what we eat, and to our gestures.

Several times in my life I faced up to the death, for instance in a plane accident, for an emergency surgery, during a panic attack, and during a heart attack. Rationally, I always thank the professionalism of the personnel of Alitalia and of the Police Station of the Palermo Punta Raisi airport. Or the competence and the empathetic support of my very good surgeon friend. From the emotional point of view, in those moments I always thought of one thing, and always of the same thing. I saw again the people and the animals, whom I loved and with whom I shared my life at that time, and the places that were dear to me. I never worried about myself: my thought always went to my dear creatures and to the places of my heart. When the dangerous situation was resolved, I could not wait to hug my loved ones again or to go back to a place that I loved.

Something of us forever remains with the people with whom we have been happy and in the places where we have been happy. So, there is a single answer to the question: “How to deal with a mourning sustainably?”.

Be happy!  🙂

Paola Morgese, PMP
Civil Hydraulic Engineer
M.S. Sanitary and Environmental Engineering

Translation of the Italian blog post: Paola Morgese, Come affrontare un lutto in maniera sostenibile




A project in a book: how project management defeats narcissistic abuse

The launch of the English version of “Holistic Solutions to Emotional Manipulation” is the opportunity for unveiling a secret about this book. It is a project that uses a project management methodology to defeat narcissistic abuse with holistic solutions.

If you are a supporter of project management, you can add a brand new success to this discipline.

Here are the reasons.

The book is divided in five chapters, each of them representing a specific process group: initiating, planning, executing, monitoring and controlling, and closing.

There are instructions to develop an action plan to defeat emotional manipulation and a check list to organize the work.

Each section analyzes ten project management knowledge areas in detail: scope, time, costs, quality, human resource, communications, procurement, risks, stakeholders, and integration.

A project management methodology is applied to the solution of narcissistic abuse through the use of holistic disciplines, which work on body, mind and spirit simultaneously.

You could say that this is a strange experiment, using a rational matter as project management in order to treat something that is often evanescent, spiritual, and intangible. But I can assure you that it works.

I tested this method on myself because, being an engineer and a project manager, this approach belongs to my own behavior and habits.

The readers, men and women, of this book, who are very far from being project managers and who maybe do not even know what project management is, used it for their own particular cases. And this method worked for them too.

Here is what a reader wrote to me: “The book has shown me a very useful method to remove the author of the manipulation forever, …”. You can read the complete interview in this blog post.

These encouraging results are a further proof of the power and of the versatility of project management.

We, as project managers, can be very proud of its magic.

The birth of a new book is always exciting. Who knows where it will go, who will browse its pages, and who will take it in her or his heart. Welcome! “Holistic Solutions to Emotional Manipulation

Paola Morgese, PMP
Civil Hydraulic Engineer
M.S. Sanitary and Environmental Engineering

More than one year without television

In June 2015, suddenly, my television antenna stopped working. Not knowing whether it was broken or tampered with, I chose not to get it repaired.

Since then, I have lived without television. And I assure you that life is really different this way. Whatever had happened, whether it was a natural accident or it had been man-made, since then the quality of my life has improved very much.

I am much freer. I manage my time. I am no longer bound to the time of television programs. I decide what to do at a certain time. Declared or hidden advertisements no longer arrive to me. I choose how, where and when deepening news, information and updates. I have much more time for myself and my loved ones. I suffer no distractions. I use all my time, without throwing it away stunning myself with matters of other people. I am focused on my life and on my goals.

When I was a child, the television had only one channel and the programs began in the afternoon with the children’s TV. I waited with joy for Paolo Poli telling me one of his delightful stories. In the evening there was “Carosello” (commercial). It was in black and white. For the next episode of a serial you had to wait for a week. Only during the days of the Fair of the House at the Overseas Exhibition of Naples (Italy), in June, the TV was turned on for a few hours in the morning: just the time of a film.

Well, without TV, I found again my time. I feel lighter. Too much television steals time, stuns and dims the mind, manages thoughts, confuses memory, sends body, mind and spirit to sleep, makes foolish, chokes, makes heavy, blocks the movements and the flow of energy.

Without TV I lost the habit of bad news and of violent images. I choose what to see and what to hear, and I choose it in harmony with my personality.

If, as I read in a book of yoga in the Seventies, we have counted breaths, it is even more important to dedicate them to ourselves and not to waste them.

Namastè  🙂

Paola Morgese, PMP
Civil Hydraulic Engineer
M.S. Sanitary and Environmental Engineering

Translation of the Italian blog post: Paola Morgese, Un anno e più senza TV



Yoga in the Seventies

Regular daily practice of yoga gives unimaginable benefits to body, mind and spirit. I write from my personal experience. In your body, you maintain elasticity and muscle tone, and awake subtle sensory perceptions. In your mind, you acquire a growing clear thinking and serenity, never felt before. In your spirit, you experience the vitality and dynamism of the energy flow. And that happens exactly in this chronological order, day after day. The feeling of well-being is infinite.

Now, in the execution of the postures, yoga is a very well known and widespread discipline also in gyms. Often, it can happen to see people, who practice outdoors in public parks. In the Seventies, with some publications, the first attempts to spread it in its theoretical aspects were made. Attempts which, more than intrigue and induce readers to practice this holistic discipline, might have intimidated them and compelled them to give up.

These texts contain mainly technical terms in Sanskrit, which explain its theoretical concepts. I found, for example, the comic-strip book of yoga translated from French. It is certainly the right idea to better illustrate the various positions, but in the theoretical part it is really heavy. It has the same heaviness, which I expected and which I found in the “Treccani” encyclopaedia of that time. Maybe, it was a way to give official character and authoritativeness to an Eastern discipline that was new for that time.

A dictionary of the Eighties of Italian language describes yoga this way: “A Sanskrit word, which literally means “union” from the verb of Indo-European origin yunákti “to join”. Philosophical-religious system of ancient India, which aspires to the mystical union of one’s own essence with the Supreme Being through a propaedeutic technique of the domain of body and senses, with the acquisition of special faculties and with the enhancement of paranormal powers. Usually, a gymnastic technique of breathing and of movements from a far Eastern origin and influence”.

Since, unfortunately, yoga has become a gym discipline, reading again its real theoretical basis can be useful and interesting. It allows to clarify and to avoid misunderstanding. Below, there is what is written, briefly, in the books of the Seventies that I read.

Yoga is not a philosophy, nor a gym practice, nor a religion. It is a discipline, which considers people in the union of their mental and physical parts and which guides them to the discovery of their innermost essence. The physical body corresponds to the anatomical body, as we already know it, and is also traversed by circuits (Nadi), through which the vital energy (Prana) flows. Prana is a principle of life both physical and mental. It is a kind of dowry (vital and mental energy) assigned at birth to each being, which can be preserved through two systems open on the cosmos: the respiratory system and the digestive system.

Prana is connected to breathing. At birth, we have a certain number of breaths (or of energy) available. If we slow down the rhythm, our life time should be longer. Furthermore, the daily practice of breathing would act on nutrition, reducing the amount of food needed for our body.

A person, who practice yoga, is called yogi and is vegetarian or vegan. During mastication, the prana, that is the energy, contained in food is absorbed by the body.

The practice of yoga allows to wind up the rhythms of the body to the cosmic rhythms.

Yoga compares a person to an onion with an internal physical body (sharira), an intermediate subtle body, and an external causal body. The physical body has a single sheath (or covering, or coffer, known in Sanskrit as kosha), which is that of nourishment. The subtle body has three sheaths: one of vital energy, one of discursive thought, and one of intelligence. The causal body has the sheath of happiness.

In the body there are also seven centers of latent energy called chakras.

The full practice of Indian yoga, intended as an ascetic itinerary, develops in eight stages: five prohibitions (or repressions), five requirements (or observances), positions, breathing, withdrawal from senses with inner concentration, focusing attention on only one object of thought, meditation, and ecstasy. Yoga means “yoking”, precisely with reference to the discipline, which the ascetic imposes on its spontaneous psychological and physiological processes. It is essential to have an experienced teacher (guru) as a guide in these stages.

The yoga origin is mysterious, it is lost in the mists of time and in the uncertainty of the place of origin. This discipline was taught and handed down in great secret in the East. It arrived in the West only at the beginning of the twentieth century.

Yoga, when practiced regularly, is happiness and joy.

Namastè  🙂

Paola Morgese, PMP
Civil Hydraulic Engineer
M.S. Sanitary and Environmental Engineering

Maud Forget, Ghislaine Andrèani, Max Lenvers, Lo yoga – Un’arte per vivere felici, Longanesi & C., Milan, 1977
Various authors, Lessico Universale Italiano, Istituto dell’Enciclopedia Italiana Treccani, Rome, 1976 – 1981
Nicola Zingarelli, Vocabolario della lingua italiana, Zanichelli, Bologna, 1988

Translation of the Italian blog post: Paola Morgese, Yoga anni Settanta